I Was
by madamoisellecullen
Summary: The redeeming qualities of a choice few of our villians


Yes, I loved the Dark Lord, but only because in the world he told me about I would be free of my husband and free of the men that surrounded me and tried to keep me from my full potential. I loved him because in his world I wouldn't be useless and weak; I would be a prized piece of the new order. And I liked the thought of not being looked at as useless because I didn't have a dick.

Let me start over. I'm Bellatrix Lestrange; Broadcasting from behind the veil. I felt I was passed due for my chance to let my side of the story come to light. It all started with my birth. My mother and her sister-in-law had been pregnant at the same time, they both wished for boys to carry on the Prestige of the house of Black. My Aunt got the boy, a handsome babe who would be named Sirius Black. My mother, much to her utter misery, ended up with me. The misery was heightened because I followed my beautiful sister Narcissa, who alas, has no Y chromosome to speak of. My mother's horror rose further when my Aunt had another baby boy, Regulus Black. We were all raised in close quarters with each other, as were all the children of the darkest of the pure-blood families; The Malfoy boy Lucius and the Lestrange brothers Rudolphus and Chandulus. We girls knew our place and were forced to make tea when the boys wanted it and to pretend we didn't see them eying our breasts and bums as we walked past. The year I turned 4 my mother felt her old wounds about having no boy children re-open; with the birth of my baby sister Andromeda. My cousin Sirius, whom had only gotten more handsome as the years went by, began to come to our play dates and classes less and less, after Andromeda was born, until my Aunt stopped it all together, saying he would pollute our minds with his traitorous garbage. As we began to grow older, and we got to the age when we could go to Hogwarts, we gained knowledge of the Dark Lord, a man who would free Wizard kind from its secrecy and allow all wizards to be equals. I knew immediately I would join this order, only because it spelled the end of my servitude to men. In our second year my Aunt disowned cousin Sirius, and blasted him from the family tree, two years later my sister came to Hogwarts and began her lessons. She never shared the same love I did for the Dark Lord, and come to think of it, neither did Cissy. Narcissa was just as subservient as we'd been taught to be, following around Lucius Malfoy as if the sun shone from his posterior. My mother told me, on the eve of my seventeenth birthday that I was betrothed to Rudolphus Lestrange. I shrugged it off, knowing too well that Rudolphus would always come second in my book.

Let me backtrack again to touch on the issue of Sirius Black. You see, I didn't as much hate my cousin, as I envied him. He was the son my mother had wanted and shunned me away for. Not only that but, he didn't ever feel the obligation to stay within the "Black" family norm. He was in Gryffindor and he was friends with blood-traitors and muggle-borns. All I ever wanted was to be able to do whatever I wanted to do. Not to say that I wanted to be associated with Potter, Evans, Lupin and his lot, but I wanted to not have to bow down to my family name. My after Hogwarts years became something of a dream. I married Rudolphus and flushed out two prospective children before I cast a permanent pregnancy charm on myself. I spent most of my time doing the Dark Lord's bidding. My baby sister graduated from Hogwarts and then promptly married a muggle. Our niece was born shortly thereafter.

On October 31, 1988(have no idea if that is the actual date or not), my life changed forever. Snape had heard a seer prophesize that the downfall of the Dark Lord would come from a child born at the end of the July. The Dark Lord sent my husband and I to get one child, the name of Neville Longbottom or to torture his parents of his whereabouts and he went to find Harry Potter, the son of my cousin's best friend. Rudolphus and I tortured the Longbottom's past insanity but could not find the hiding place of their son, so we left and found Narcissa and Lucius at the ruins of the Potter house. We watched from afar as my cousin Sirius rushed into the house screaming for his friend, and then screaming for his sister-in-law and godson. I watched him stumble, sobbing and bleary eyed from the house clutching a small blue bundle. And as much as I wanted to be able to cry for him, to have my heart break for that child, I couldn't; because that child had ruined my happy future. We watched in shocked silence as Hagrid came to the house to check on the Potter's and found instead a grieving Sirius Black. Hagrid convinced Sirius to allow him to take the baby to Dumbledore and then Sirius disapparated from the area. That was when I decided to leave as well. Lucius and Narcissa left quickly too to go tend to their son whom they'd left at home with our mother. Soon after that Rudolphus and I were apprehended and brought to Azkaban for the tortures of Frank and Alice Longbottom. As we were booked into Azkaban I heard my cousin screaming above all the rest of the rabble who was screaming at us.

He yelled incoherently for a moment and then I heard. "You tell them I didn't kill James and Lily, tell them you heartless bitch, or else when I get out of here I will hunt you down and kill you myself! Tell them."

I'll never forget those words. My 15 years in Azkaban are only a bad nightmare and my life away from there was fraught with fear and self-loathing. I had literally abandoned almost everyone in my family and I had no one but my self to blame. I realize none of you feel any remorse for me, nor will you. I don't deserve remorse, I only want to be understood. I did not set out on my path to become evil, I simply wanted freedom. Freedom from female servitude and freedom from the Wizarding Stature of Secrecy, but it all caught up to me. I'm not apologetic, I killed for my dream, any one would have done the same, but I want people to know I wasn't inherently evil, I just raised myself that way.

A/n: this came out of no where. I felt like I had to give her a redeeming quality. Reviews?


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